As he strolled through the streets of downtown Woodruck, John Omni felt like life was going pretty great. That busybody Detective Lashbrook was getting too obsessed with gacha, which was troubling, but could he really be blamed for that? Hardly so, John thought. They were indeed some bizarre and wonderful creatures. Halloween 1999 would go down in history; it was all very exciting! Omni loved excitement! A genuine, sardonic grin spread across his face as the hulking chief skipped through the dark streets, singing quietly along to one of his many favorite Marilyn Manson songs as it played in his mind. It was the Chief’s favorite artist. He was chaotic and terrifying, Omni’s two favorite things.
Main Street was still abuzz with evening activity, eager locals weaving in and out of the many stores lining the historic area. A couple of affluent young tourists, choosing to visit in the off-season, wandered past the shops with great awe, their brand new gacha by their sides. They’d pulled an Acoustic Coffee Shop Chicken and a Munch Man 3D, respectively. The Chicken wore John Lennon shades and plodded along with an acoustic guitar strapped to his back, struggling to carry several very large bags its owners had forced it to lug for them. The Munch Man 3D, a sort of rabid Pac-Man rip-off with bloodied, razor-sharp teeth, was muzzled and dragged along behind them on a chain like a common pitbull. It made Omni sick to his stomach to see such majestic, sentient creatures forced into slavery by the arcane plastic gizmos the damn tourists wore on either hand, but he quickly forgot his anger in favor of lust when a group of very attractive young women in tight crop tops and miniskirts spotted him and waved. He flashed them a smoldering, pearly-white smile, and the girls squealed like they’d just seen The Backstreet Boys.
“He’s the hottest man I’ve ever seen,” one girl said, fanning herself. “My dad used to go to the gym with him when they were in high school. He could bench nine hundred pounds then, and he’s only gotten stronger since. He’s not a man…” she nearly fainted at the thought, “...he’s a god. ”
“When my boyfriend stood me up at prom last year, he took me instead,” the second said, trying to calm her excited breaths. “Everyone was so jealous. I’m the most popular girl in school now because of it!”
Omni overheard a bit of this and chuckled to himself, deeply satisfied. “John! Oh, John!” a kindly old woman called out, hobbling over to him with the support of her walker.
“Well good evening to you as well, Mrs. Jackson,” Omni gingerly replied, meeting her in the middle with a pleasant grin. “How’s the family?”
“Oh, they’re all doing so well, thanks to you. In fact… Bryce! Bryce, come here!” a disinterested looking goth boy of about 16 walked over reluctantly, peeling his eyes from the lingerie-clad mannequin in the storefront he’d been glued to. “Bryce, sweetie, I’d like you to meet John Omni.”
“Yeah, he’s the police chief,” Bryce replied, unimpressed. “I haven’t committed any crimes, nana.”
“He’s not just the police chief,” the boy’s grandmother scolded him, wagging her gnarled finger in his face. “He saved your grandfather back in World War II. They were in the same squadron, and a Nazi fighter plane was swooping down to fire at your grandpa on the beach. John here threw a rock at the Luftwaffe plane and hit its engine, sending it spiraling out of control and crashing into the ocean. You wouldn’t be alive if it weren’t for this man.”
Bryce’s nose crinkled. “You look like you’re 30, how the hell were you around during--” but suddenly, when the man smiled gingerly at him, something clicked in his head, and it all made sense. Bryce nodded. “Oh, right, the secret Nazi anti-aging potion you stole from the downed plane in the ocean! That’s rad dude, thanks for saving gramps.”
John winked and patted the lad on the back, kissing Mrs. Jackson on the cheek and then continuing his stroll. “Hey, Zach,” he boomed, rushing over to a buff, tattooed man with long black hair. The man wore a black shirt that said “STOP POLICE BRUTALITY” in bold white text, and he looked very nonplussed to see the Chief of Police barreling towards him.
“Ah, shit. What do youwant, man?” the man spat. “You gonna’ shoot me in the head 41 times like that poor unarmed dude in the Bronx and then tell me to stop resisting?”
“Golly. Zach, old buddy, I thought we talked about that shirt.” Omni frowned, shaking his head sadly. “It’s just not very nice. Seriously, after all we’ve been through together? Shucks, friend. You think you know someone...” He looked up, a single tear in his eye, and mustered a sad smile.
Zach looked down at his shirt, and a wave of panic and realization came over him. Oh jeez, why was he wearing this? His face turned beet red. “Oh shit, John, I’m-I’m sorry, man. I didn’t--I don’t even know where this shirt came from. You know I’d never flip you off like that on purpose, my guy.”
John nodded, his grin growing. “I’m not angry, budderino,” he said, solemnly, “just disappointed. Here, why don’t you fix it?” He reached into what must have been his back pocket and produced a large black Sharpie, tossing it to Zach. Zach quickly popped the top off and filled in the word “STOP” on his shirt, making it read simply “POLICE BRUTALITY.” He tossed the Sharpie back to Omni. They exchanged finger guns and a cheerful friendly “Heyyy,” hugging each other firmly, and Omni slapped him casually on the back before continuing.
Down the street, in front of the jewelry store, the most gorgeous woman Omni had ever seen stood next to a boring old chubby sod in a business suit. Cascading waves of natural auburn hair covered one of her two bright green eyes, and a tight black dress clung to her every curve, revealing only one of her toned, juicy thighs with the slit in the side. She was shaped as closely to Jessica Rabbit as any human could possibly be, with a chest rivaling a Fem-Fatal’s. Omni bit his lip, his mind racing. He’d never wanted someone so bad. Why was she with a fat old loser like this, anyhow? He must have a lot of money or a huge--no, no, Omni didn’t like that second thought. It had to be money.
She looked over at the massive, ripped, movie-star/boy band heartthrob of a police chief and gasped when he grinned at her, nearly crying. “John?” she shouted, placing both delicate hands over her bee stung lips in euphoric surprise.
“Hello again… uh… you,” Omni replied, a plastic smile consuming his chiseled and masculine face.
“You know this man?” her beau asked, sweating.
“We used to date in college,” she replied, sighing and looking to the stars wistfully. “We were engaged to be married, but… it was not meant to be.”
“What was wrong with him?”
“He was… too big,” she said, blushing and looking down. Her fiancé nearly toppled over. How could she say this, in front of him? Had he not just spent six months' salary on a ring for her? Panic and anger bubbled up like freshly eaten Taco Bell inside him, but he clenched his fists and bit his lip, too smart to take a stand against this brick wall of a police chief.
“Never fear, my old love,” Omni crooned, gingerly taking the woman’s hand in his. “It, uh, shrank since then.”
“How much?”
He thought for a moment. “Uh, just a little.”
The woman’s eyes spread wide. “Take me,” she said, breathlessly, removing her newly-gifted wedding ring and throwing it at her now ex-boyfriend, who was too flabbergasted to react. After processing this exchange, the ex-boyfriend swallowed his fear and opened his mouth to say something venomous, but he just couldn’t seem to find the words, especially after Omni smiled politely at him despite the situation. Could he really hate the lovely and handsome John Omni? After that steamy tryst they’d shared during their wild vacation to France in the late 80s? He realized now that it wasn’t even his wife he was jealous of--it was Omni. That delicious, sensual hunk. Who could blame her for leaving him for a veritable god? He would have left her in a heartbeat if John had come back for him. He sighed wistfully, turning and walking home as Omni led his fiancé into the jewelry store, warming his heart with their intimate memories. “Goodbye, Karen,” he shouted. “Goodbye,” he whispered softly and sensually, “...John.”
“Anything you’d like is yours, my dear… uh, Karen,” Omni crooned, motioning to the peninsula of display cases entombing them. Gratuitously expensive shiny things of all types glistened like so many pricy stars from so many rich angles: Karen was in paradise.
“Even this one?” she asked, motioning to a natural diamond as big as her fist attached to a laughably tiny ring. The price-tag was no doubt at least six figures, but Omni didn’t break a sweat.
“Did I say, ‘anything but that,’ or did I say, ‘anything?’” Omni replied, kissing her madly. She’d never been so excited in her life. “Mr. Jeweler,” Omni boomed with a grin, “we’ll take one of those, and…” Omni eyed a collection of eight priceless gemstone rings for men, “...and I’ll take all of those, please.”
“On the house, John!” the kind old Indian man behind the counter said, beaming. “I owe you more than money can buy after you saved my family from the top floor of that burning skyscraper. I still haven’t figured out how you did that!”
“Neither have I,” Omni replied under his breath, stifling a laugh, “neither have I. Thank you, my good man!” He placed the massive diamond on Karen’s ring finger. It was so heavy her arm hung limp to her side, pulling her entire body sideways, but she’d never been happier.
Omni placed the other rings on every finger of his own except his thumbs, feeling like a king. Like a god, but—wait. Wasn’t he one? You went through a lot to get here, Omni, he thought with a contented sigh, but it’s all worth it now, and you’re going to make it all right soon. No gacha will ever have to suffer again--they’ll be gods, just like good old Omni! It’s going to be heaven on Earth, by golly!
“Are you alright, love?” Karen asked, concernedly looking into his eyes as he suddenly broke out in maniacal laughter.
“Oh, yes, love,” John replied. “I was just… ah... thinking about how much fun we’ll have when we get back to your bedroom.”
She swooned. He groaned when his phone suddenly went off, blaring a garbled $7.99-to-download digital facsimile of the song he’d had stuck in his head all day. He pulled it out and checked--it was Existentia. This wasn’t good.
“I’m afraid we must depart, my love,” he said. She wanted to protest, but she knew he had to fly to Mexico for the bullfighting championship in the morning, so she only nodded and sniffled. “Keep the ring! I’ll see you again. Maybe.” She nodded sadly, turning away and running weeping after her chubby ex, her weighted arm swinging like an anvil with each lopsided gallop. The Chief ducked around the corner into the nearest alley and scanned both ways for witnesses before flipping his phone open and answering. “This had better be real gosh darned important, Exi. You just cockblocked the ever-loving heck out of me.”
“I am sorry, John,” she droned, emotionless. “It might be nothing. I got a hit scanning the speech around here for talk of you.”
“That’s not unusual,” he growled. “I’m the hottest, most eligible bachelor in this town. I’d be offended if people weren’t moaning my name while they--”
“No, John. This was unusual. This came from inside the station.”
Omni froze. He’d locked the station up, and Lashbrook should have been done by now. “You’re sure it came from inside?”
“Yes,” she replied. “I am positive.”
“I’m very disappointed with this news,” he pouted. “Golly, and I was having such a great day, too. Zero murders in two days for me. It felt nice, it’s like--a reverse killstreak. I have one of those little things on my desk at home that’s like those ‘X Days Without an Accident’ signs, but it’s how many days since I had to kill someone. I was having a great time turning the little wooden cubes every day, I was finally going to get to turn one of the little cubes past “1,” and now I’m going to have to turn it back to zero because of you! I’m never going to get to turn the cube in the tens place at this rate. I hope you’re happy, you frosty bitch.”
“I’m not happy, John. I’m just a messenger. Hopefully it is nothing.”
Hopefully so, Omni thought, but he’d learned to expect the worst. “What did they say?”
“I have no idea,” she admitted. “It pinged my ‘Omni’ alert, but the voice and words were distorted. It’s like there was some sort of magic interference, an anti-magic haze over the spot. There was just one other detail… it came from your office.”
A wave of realization washed over Omni. He really hoped he was wrong about this, but anti-magic fields were involved, and that narrowed the suspects list. “If I have to kill Detective Lashbrook, I’m going to be sad,” he replied, groaning. “So, so sad. I’ll have to gorge on ice cream and binge Godzilla movies to get over it and that will be just terrible on my waistline. I’ll make you and your sister join me, so your fat frigid ass better hope it’s just a random intruder poking around, or you’re going to need to start shopping for new jeans.”
“I don’t wear jeans,” Existentia replied.
“Yeah, well--well now you never will!” Omni slammed his phone shut and shoved it back in his pocket. He wasn’t sure what this meant, but it sounded like trouble. There was no time to walk back there--he’d have to… take a shortcut.John glanced both ways again for witnesses, then quickly unbuttoned his police shirt.